I realized (again) that I was wobbling.

As I put one foot in front of the other, I could feel myself moving as much from side to side as I was moving forward. I asked myself why…

“It’s the pain dum dum” the not-so-kind voice inside my head responded.

Ah, yes, that again. The all too familiar reminder of a bad decision. One driven by youth, poverty, and the seemingly endless invincibility that being barely voting age brings. i was one of those ‘good kids’. I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. I was athletic, shy, hard working and loyal to friends and family. My bad decision was that I pushed myself too hard that day. Ran 17 miles at daybreak, drove 3 hours and played in a softball tournament all day and into the evening. Then celebrated with friends. Driving back to campus, I fell asleep at highway speed. The thing that stopped the car was a cement column, holding up an overpass.

My next memory was opening my eyes many days later. I saw a beige surgical glove blown up like a balloon with the words “Happy Birthday” written in marker across the rounded palm of the glove. She’s alive was my first relieved thought. My lover had been in the car with me and even before opening my eyes that morning I knew something very terrible had happened. The aseptic smell and cacophony of hospital noises flooded my other senses even before my sight awoke. My thoughts raced to her, where is she? Is she alive? A wave of relief flooded over me when I saw the ‘birthday balloon’. “She’s here, she’s alive.”

Weeks, years, then decades passed since that day. She survived the crash which took not only her spleen but also her four-year swimming scholarship. I often wondered whether she would ever be able to stop hating me. She never said those words, but as we grew farther and farther apart the following year, it was a truth we both knew on a visceral level. Lessons learned became the mantra for my college years, this tragedy being one of the biggest lessons yet. She lost her scholarship, I lost being able to ever run again. And now, when I say to my daughter, my dearest love of all time, “your choices determine your reality” little does she know how many times I’ve tested that hypothesis.

Yet now I question my resolved perspective. Ideas of the quantum realm follow me now. All I can do is try… These ideas may hold the key to forgiving myself of past transgressions. Time will tell.